Harry Potter and the Overdone Plot Devices
by citygirl1116
Summary: Exchange Students, time turners, potions accidents, long-lost twins, mysterious new powers, snogging, more exchange students...
1. Default Chapter

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Disclaimer: All credit and deepest apologies to J.K. Rowling. 

Disclaimer #2: The author clearly would not even know of this website if she did not enjoy and appreciate fanfiction. Parodies are meant to be in jest and people who are offended are taking themselves too seriously. There are better people to direct your anger at than the author. She respectfully suggests directing it at George W. Bush or those people who stand on the "walk" side of the escalator. 

Chapter One 

In Which the Author Introduces the Concept 

Ever noticed how some plot devices, no matter how unlikely, are used over and over again in Harry Potter fanfiction? To save you some time, I've condensed them all together in one big cliched fanfic.

How can you tell if you're about to read a fanfiction with an over-used plot? There are certain words that can alert you just from looking at the summary. Look out for "exchange student" "time-turner" "long-lost twin/daughter/ex-lover", and if you see anything that begins like "Dumbledore comes up with a plan where students have to get married/go on American Idol/go to an American High school/have a baby/spend a month in the forbidden forest with Draco etc etc for some reason that will never be explained" hit your back button IMMEDIATELY. 

Also watch out for summaries that read like the following: 

"sup like omg i totaly suk at summeries but wuteva cuz the stories really kewl H/H/R/D/G/L/P/C/G/P/L/N/C/C/V/OC RR PLLLLLZZZ "

Spell check just committed suicide. 

And now, the examples:


	2. In Which Hogwart's Starts an Exchange Pr...

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Chapter 2, in Which Hogwart's Starts an Exchange Program 

Harry, Ron and Hermione are in the Great Hall for the beginning-of-term feast (Insert Great Hall description blatantly plagiarized from Book 1). They had all changed so much over the summer they were almost unrecognizable. Hermione had "developed" and now had a very "womanly" figure. Her hair was no longer bushy but sleek and shiny and she wore just the right amount of make-up. Whilst Harry and Ron were no longer skinny and gangly like normal teenage boys but were now covered in rippling muscules which were easily visible despite the fact that they wear very loose, flowing robes. 

__

~~Readers wonder how Harry is suddenly so built? Surely the Dursleys did not get him a gym membership?~~ 

"I wonder what the new first years will be like?" Harry asks. 

"Maybe there will be a mysterious new sixth year exchange student with a dark past who will be really pretty and have amazing powers and fall in love with one of us, causing the other to become terribly jealous and setting up a classic over-used love triangle, but after she vanquishes Voldemort with her sheer perkiness we'll all realize how sweet and good she is and all be happy"? Said Ron. 

"Now Ron." Said Hermione patiently "That would be silly. Hogwart's has never had an exchange program and it would be stupid to start one now as we're all being terrorized by Voldemort." 

__

~~Hermione makes too much sense and the writer decides she should spend the rest of the fic in the library, only to be let out for making catty comments about Mary Sue, until such time as the author has less homework and can write a fic pairing Hermione with Draco~~ 

The sorting occurs, during which Harry and Draco make eye contact and sneer or glare respectively. Dumbledore stands, his eyes twinkling and sparkling and glittering…he's looking very wise, as always.

"Welcome back to Hogwart's. I have an exciting announcement. We have started.....and exchange program!" 

Everyone in the hall gasps in shock. 

~~_Readers do not gasp. They are not shocked. They are not even mildly surprised_.~~ 

"We are happy to welcome our new student from America, who also has to be sorted. Her name is Alexandrina Serena Aramantha Xenia Raine Artemis Riddle Malfoy Weasley Potter de Smythe." 

~~_Readers wonder how she fits it all on her driver's license_?~~ 

The new girl stepped forward to be sorted and every male in the room felt his chin hit the floor. Many fainted. She was the most beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, attractive (reaches for thesaurus), striking, lovely, wondrous creature they had ever seen. She had long curly/perfectly straight tresses the color of sun-kissed honey/raven black/burnished copper with highlights of flame/glossy golden sunlight/deep chocolate mahogany, and her eyes were like sapphires/emeralds/rubies/amethysts or as black as the blackest night. She was not too tall or too short nor too skinny nor too heavy. She was perfectly proportioned and toned. She had a fabulous tan. She smiled shyly at the assembled students and they were momentarily blinded by her dazzling straight white teeth. 

~~_Readers are all violently ill by this point_~~ 

And you could tell just by looking at her she was really nice and smart. 

~~_Yes, that's clearly the point they were trying to make_~~

She floated gracefully, effortlessly to the front of the great hall and put on the sorting hat. Such was her beauty that that tattered, dirty old hat looked exquisite upon her head. The hat saw promptly that she had the ambition of a Slytherin, the intelligence of a Ravenclaw, the loyalty and general nicemess of a Hufflepuff, and the courage of Gryffindor. It took the longest time to sort her, and then finally cried out.... 

~~_Want to guess? Anyone? It's a tough one_.~~ 

"....GRYFFINDOR!" 

The Gryffindors all cheer/cry/faint/throw up from sheer joy and excitement. 

****

Next time.....Mary Sue's dark secret(s)……………………


	3. In which the Readers are shocked Shocked...

_Wow, people actually found my silly silliness amusing….go figure.  Thanks guys, it was terribly nice of you to review_**.  **_For this chapter, you may direct all your anger at the IRS, since I have to do my taxes this week-end._****

**Chapter 3, in which the Readers are Shocked (_Shocked_, I tell you!) to find that Mary Sue has a dark secret**.

The next morning, "Lexi" as she preferred to be called

~~_Because, clearly, the author cannot remember her whole name, and cannot be bothered to go back and look at it, or to type it all again_.~~

jumped out of bed happily, for she was, of course, a morning person. Of course, she didn't really need to get ready, since she woke up already looking exquisite (don't we all?).  All the other girls were terribly jealous of her, but in a really admiring sort of way.

Meanwhile, Harry is sitting in the great hall and being deeply traumatized. His parents are dead, his godfather is dead, the Dursleys hate him, he's got a lifelong bad hair day, and a crazed dark wizard is out for his blood. He is very sad, angst-ridden, depressed, sullen, and angry, and yet brave and noble and self-sacrificing. He is also very hot and muscular, with lots of rippling and defined muscles.

Mary Sue..er..."Lexi" enters, in all her innocent yet sensual radiance. 

 Harry falls out of his chair...

"Forget saving the world and vanquishing evil....only now have I found meaning in my life!"

~~_Yes, they saw her last night, but apparently every time you see Mary Sue is just like the first time_.~~

The Gryffindors were too busy staring at her to actually eat, so during breakfast, Harry and Lexi instead established a deep, trusting, meaningful relationship in twenty minutes.  They had some sort of deep connection, almost as thought they had been separated at birth (Note the subtle foreshadowing.)

Harry, I have to talk to you!"  She said as they walked to class, in a mysterious, meaningful, and very attractive way. She drew him into an alcove. 

~~_Hogwart's is full of conveniently placed alcoves, obviously_.~~

"Even though it's the greatest, deepest, darkest, most terrible very very biggest secret, I feel you have to know....the thing is Harry....I was abandoned when I was a baby for some reason that I can't explain because the author can't think of one....and.......(long dramatic pause)......I'm your long-lost twin!"

"But....we look nothing alike..."

"Shutup, you're making too much sense! The reason we don't look alike is I'm also the long-lost love child of Lily Evans and Tom Riddle. I'm also Draco's cousin because that shows my darker side, aren't I multi-faceted and well-developed? And I'm Dumbledore's granddaughter too, because that shows how powerful I am. And I'm Professor Lupin and Sirius Black's college roommate, Cho Chang's ex-lover, Neville Longbottom's next-door neighbor (even though I'm American), Snape's half-step-daughter, and my cousin's roommate's best friend's barber's sister had a fling with Blaise Zabini. Wow, now I'm so intertwined with all the real characters I'm practically canon!"

"I'm so confused!" Wailed Harry. "Oh woe is me!"

"You?!  Oh woe is me.  I was horribly abused as a child by my evil adopted family, I am so much more tortured and angst-ridden than you.  And now I'm so conflicted…" She sighed. "I don't know if I'm in love with you or Ron or Draco or Oliver Wood!"

"Oliver Wood?! How did he get in the story?"

"He's hot and Scottish." She explained simply.

"And wait a minute, you can't be torn between me and Draco if I'm your twin and he's your cousin.....unless this is one of those really_ kinky_ fics...?"

"Oh......damn......"

**Next Chapter.....Meet the Maurauders......**


	4. In Which Everyone is Very Sexy

_Wow, you guys are too kind, this is ridiculously stupid stuff, but it's a way for me to get all the sarcasm out so it doesn't come out at work and get me fired.  _

_For this chapter, all anger should be directed at people who try to get on the elevator before the other people get off._

_I used the word "sexy" 13 times in this chapter, out of only 945 words.  But I think many times the teenage authors, with all their raging hormones, get a little carried away with describing how attractive everyone is, which is what I was trying to capture._

**Chapter 4, in which Everyone is Very Sexy**

Mary Sue has slipped into a plot hole to spend some time figuring out her complicated familial relationships and figuring out who she actually can shag without it being twisted and/or illegal.

Hermione has emerged from the library and Ginny has joined the story.

~~_Readers accept this because they understand from the title that it's a time-turner fic, and there have to be female canon characters for a relationship and no one can fall in love with Lily Evans because she's Harry's Mum and therefore good and pure_~~

Over the summer they have both suddenly become really really beautiful and incredibly sexy.  Despite being only 15 and 16 years old, they look like Victoria's Secret models, and dress like it too, since apparently Hogwart's dress code is relaxed if you're well-endowed.

Hermione has a time turner, despite the fact that she gave it back three years ago. They enter the charms classroom.

~~_Author conveniently forgets Ginny is a year younger and so does not share classes with them._~~

"Hey, Hermione, let me see your time turner for no reason." Ron asks.

"No!"

"Yes!" 

"No!" 

They begin a heavily staged tug-of-war over it.

"Gee, I hope they don't accidentally break it and send us all back in time to your parent's school days." Ginny says in an aside to Harry.

~~_Readers wonder if that is supposed to be more clever and subtle foreshadowing_.~~

Suddenly, Ron and Hermione drop the time turner (GASP!) and they are all sucked into a swirly-whirly vortex of contrived time travel descriptions. When they all recover form their dizzyness, they are still at Hogwart's....but it looks different!

~~_Oh, where could they be?  Readers are quivering with anticipation.  Okay, not really, Readers are rolling their eyes because they've seen it so many times_.~~

Coincidentally, they have landed right in front of four boys who are completely unconcerned by the fact that people have just appeared in front of them.

"Oy, Prongs, look!  Girls!"  Says one of them.  

~~_Readers know this must be Sirius because in the fanfiction world he is a sex god who will shag anything that moves and some things that don't_.~~

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny get up and brush off their robes, and look at the four boys they have just landed in front of.  One of them is very sexy and has messy hair and glasses (but not the geeky sort of glasses, the damn sexy sort of glasses) and is very muscular.  

"Hey!"  One of them points at Harry.  "You look just like James except you have green eyes and are slightly disfigured."

Although this ought to be quite shocking, they are not at all concerned and it's not mentioned again.

~~_Author really wants to get back to describing the Marauders in all their delicious sexiness_.~~

There was another boy who had black hair and eyes and was really really hot.  Hot.  Extremely sexy.  Damn, was he ever hott.  

~~_Author does not have a very large vocabulary and is having trouble expressing herself here_.~~

The third boy had brown hair and eyes and looked very tired and smart, but in a very sexy sort of way.

And the last one was not hot or sexy at all, but short and chubby and decidedly unattractive because we all know what he's going to do in the future and hate him for it, the slimy little traitor.  

~~_The Author doesn't like him so he disappears_.~~

Now everyone is standing around and admiring how extremely attractive they all are.

"So, where did you all come from?"  This is asked by Remus, who is the smart one (though still very sexy) and knows people don't often appear out of thin air.

"We're new."  Says Hermione, who is also very smart, and has figured out what has happened.  "I'm Hermione Granger, this is Ron and Ginny, and Harry….uh….Harry."

They all seem to accept this explanation even though there are too many holes in it to be listed here.

"I'm James Potter, this is Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin, and uh….(looks around for Peter)….that's it."

"Wow, we went back in time!"  Ron has just figured it out, and the author thought she should state it explicitly for her very dim readers.

A very beautiful (and sexy) girl with red hair comes up, she is accompanied by two other perfect girls who look strangely like idealized versions of the author and her best friend.

"I'm Lily Evans and these are my two friends who, despite our living in the late-70's, have ridiculously trendy names.  I hate you Potter."

"I hate you too!"  James suddenly looks confused.  "No, wait….I love you!"

"I love you too!"

They snog.  Other characters talk amongst themselves, examine their manicures, whip out small pocket mirrors to make sure they're still hot.

"I hate you Potter!"  Lily slaps him and walked away in a huff.  The ridiculously trendy name girls giggle and wave at Sirius and Remus before following.

"Um…"  Hermione is hesitant to mention something logical.  "Maybe, since we've time traveled and all, we should go see Dumbledore."

"But doesn't anyone want to shag me first?"  Demands Sirius, in ( all together now…)  a very sexy way.

**Next Chapter…..Dumbledore is very wise……..**


	5. When Bad Dialog Happens to Good Characte...

_Hey Kids-  Thanks for reading, and especially for reviewing!  I can't believe no one has flamed this yet.  Maybe all the would-be flamers are taking my advice on better outlets for their anger?  For this chapter, you may direct all your anger at the telemarketer who woke me up this morning._

**Chapter 5, or "When Bad Dialog Happens to Good Characters"**

To recap: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, James, Remus, and Sirius are all in their late teens, and therefore dead sexy, and are going to tell Dumbledore of their time traveling.

Dumbledore is in his office, being very wise.

""Tis a strange tale, thee doth tell." He says, nodding wisely. 

"Uh, Sir, why are you talking like that?"

"Alas, 'tis the teenage fanfic authors. When they try to make me not sound like a sixteen-year-old American, I inevitably end up sounding ridiculous. Methinks I must always be-eth a bad imitation of what is supposed to be Shakespeare, or talk like Yoda, I do. Apparently my wisdom is such that it can only be expressed through truly appalling grammar."

"So, what do we do about the time traveling?" Asks Hermione.

"Alas, tell you, I will not."

"But, why not? Don't you know?"

"Of course I do. I know everything. But if I just fixed everything, which I am perfectly capable of doing mind you, there would be no time for ye olde cliched subplot of romance. Besides, I prefer to watch thee all bungle it up and laugh at thee. Forsooth."

"So what do we do?"

"I dunno. Probably thou should to to the library and look for a book called "What To Do If You've Broken Your Time-Turner And Travelled Back To Your Parents School Days And Are Really Sexy" or something of the sort. Then thou shalt probably have to go and search for some magical object to take thee back, but the plot will never get that far because thou shalt all be too busy snogging each other. Hark! That's the most important thing, thou must snog."

"Wow, Dumbledore sure is wise." Harry said as they left his office.

"Am I the only one who noticed he didn't actually tell us anything?" Remus remarked, again being the smart-can-be-sexy one.

"We should really try that snogging thing." Suggests Sirius.

"I really only want to snog Evans." Remarks James. "But you have red hair," (To Ginny). "So I could make an exception."

"So it's all just arbitrary snogging?" Hermione asks.

"Of course not! It's so much more. We're all deeply in love and committed. And sexy."

"To who?"

"You! I'm in love with you Hermione!" Sirius declares. "Or was it Ginny? Oh, wait....Remus, I'm in love with Remus!"

"Damn." Says Ginny. "Don't tell me I walked into another slash fic!"

~~Younger readers run away screaming at the words "slash fic".~~

"Actually authors are pretty divided on which side I play for." Sirius continues. "So Hermoine, if you're interested...."

"Actually, you're really not my type. It's more cliched if I end up with Remus, since we're both smart and bookish."

"Just you wait then!" Sirius adds. "In twenty years I'm going to be dark and brooding and tragically flawed, maybe then?"

"Yeah, maybe, for those who are into the cross-generation thing."

_Right, this is pretty much where I ran out of steam on this one. Luckily, that's about the attention span of most of the authors as well. For "research" purposes I looked at a few time turner fics, and most of them were so atrocious I couldn't read any further. I haven't decided what the next chapter will be yet...ideas are welcome....might do a Draco/Hermione one? What do you all think? Oh, and Valentia- good idea on the "Playing truth or dare" plotline, I actually have to go read some of those, since I usually ignore them. (Oh, and "slash fics" will get their own chapter, I just thought I'd throw it in here as well.)_


	6. Hidden Love or Secret Passion or Secret ...

_Well, in order to write this chapter, I wandered around a bit reading some Draco/Hermione fics.  I won't name any names, but there are some bad ones.  For this chapter, you should direct your anger at __Washington__ Metro Area Transit Authority, because they pissed me off in a number of ways today._

**Chapter 6, or "Hidden Love" or "Secret Passion" or "Hidden Secret Passionate Love"—All the Titles are Roughly the Same**

Hermione was very excited to return to her seventh year at Hogwart's, especially because she was Head Girl.

~~_Obviously._~~

Over the summer, she had gotten a makeover with the help of her American cousin.  She was now absolutely stunning, and was going by some sort of hideous and out-of-character nickname like "Mione" or "Mia" or something because "Hermione" is not a cool enough name for the author.  She was also happy to see her best friend, Harry Potter, and her friend-who-has-been-in-love-with-her-since-second-year-but-that-is-going-to-be-completely-ignored-for-this-fic, Ron.  But as Harry and Ron talked about quidditch, because that is always what they do when Hermione needs to have a long, soulful, internal monologue, her eyes drifted involuntarily to the Slytherin table, and she saw Him.

She was not sure exactly when she had fallen in love with Draco Malfoy…maybe it was that time he called her a mudblood, or that other time he called her a mudblood, or that time he made fun of her, or that time he cursed her, or that other time he called her a mudblood.  She just wasn't sure, but she was sure of one thing, she loved him desperately with every fiber of her being.  Her summer had been an agonizing agony of darkest despair without the sight of his aerodynamic hairstyle, his cold eyes…

~~_Note:  Draco's eyes are never colors, they are always temperatures_.~~

…his smug and sneering expression, his incredibly sculptured, rippling muscles.  And did she mention his muscles?  You could grate cheese on those abs.

"Mione, why are you looking at that huge git Malfoy?"  Ron asks, rudely interrupting her melodramatic and out-of-character wistful pining.

"He's not a git Ron!"  She insisted, becoming irrationally angry.  "Although there is absolutely NO evidence to support it in canon, I think he's really just tragically misunderstood and abused by his deliciously evil father."

Looking around haughtily, he caught her eye across the hall.  For a moment, she was frozen, staring into their icy, frigid depths, and then, his lips parted, and he mouthed "mudblood".  Hermione's heart melted.  She began to weep, while Harry and Ron tried to comfort her in a totally platonic way.

Meanwhile, at the Slytherin table Draco is sneering and posing for all he's worth. He is acting even more smug than usual because he is now head boy.

~~_Bet nobody saw that one coming_.~~

"Draco, what did you do this summer?" Asked CrabbeOrGoyle. 

"Mostly I went torturing and killing muggles with my father, and was horribly abused. First we *censored* and then *censored* and then we *censored* with a *censored* and *censored* and a llama."

"Wow, I wish my Dad was as cool as yours." Sighed CrabbeOrGoyle wistfully, before remembering it was not appropriately thug-like to be wistful.

"And now you're head boy." Said CrabbeOrGoyle. "Too bad you're going to have to work with that mudblood."

"Yeah." Agreed Draco, though inside he was disagreeing strongly. Oh, the torture of having to keep up appearances, to have to pretend to be the evil heir of the evil servant of the evil overlord. For while Draco kept up the appearance of a good Slytherin, inside he was not a bit evil, but nice and sweet, and slightly effeminate. He did not really want to follow his father into the family business of death and destruction, he just wanted to open a bakery. He would have looked wistful, but then everyone would see through his evil bastard disguise.

Yes, Draco was no longer truly the sneering, nasty little punk that he had been in canon, because this was fanfiction, and he had been transformed by his secret, hidden, overwhelming love for Hermione Granger. 

He gazed longingly across the Great Hall, and spotted her longingly sitting at the Gryffindor Table, longingly. (Insert seven pages of nauseating description of Hermione's enchanting, enthralling, exhilarating beauty. Be impressed by Author's use of alliteration) Suddenly, she looked towards him. Their eyes met! And Draco felt as though fireworks were going off in his heart. He felt such a rush of passionate longing it was unbearable. Such pain, such agony, such longing! "Oh, why oh why must my father be so sadistic and abusive?" He wept.

CrabbeOrGoyle and CrabbeOrGoyle looked at each other in confusion. "Uh, Draco?"

"Oh..uh...I mean...er, I shall tell my Father about having to work with that mudblood, certainly he will not stand for it."

But inside his heart was breaking. It's so hard to be a misunderstood evil-minion-in-training.

When dinner was finished, Dumbledore said something wise and deep and meaningful. that the author will leave out because she can't actually think of anything wise and deep and meaningful. Then as the students were leaving, he asked to see the Head Boy and Girl. Draco quickly switched from his "expression of wistful longing" to his "expression of sneering contempt." 

"Since I have predictably made you, Hermione, head girl, and inexplicably put someone like you Draco, as head boy as part of a contrived plot device, you will not be living in the regular dormitories, since the head boy and girl have a special place to live, and despite the fact that it is wildly inappropriate and would never happen, you will be sharing a huge and ridiculously fancy room!"

Much drama ensues as Malfoy and Hermione have lots of staged arguments where they throw un-original insults at each other to cover up their true feelings of luuuuuuv.

Finally, in a nauseating scene that will include much weeping and angst and flowery language, they confess their secret love and snog enthusiastically. 

~~_Readers hope the author is too young to be comfortable writing smut, because otherwise there will be a truly horrible sex scene with truly horrible dialog and even worse description of anatomy that will make us all cringe_.~~

But all will not be happily ever after, for Lucius Malfoy, in all his delicious evilness, has a very evil plan to break up the tragic, angsty young lovers. 

"Muwahahah!" he cackles maniacally for dramatic effect. "I will kill Hermione Granger so that my son will become bitter over his lost love and want to become evil like me." He says, with an evil toss of his hair.

"I am going to uncharacteristically defy my father and take the side of my secret love Hermione." Cries Draco defiantly, in a very rebellious and defiant way. "I refuse to be evil and be drawn into your evil life of evilness!"

He confronts Lucius in a dramatic confrontation, with Hermione steadfastly by his side, and they somehow (how exactly is never explained) defeat Voldemort and all the evil in the world with the awesome power of their luuuuuuuv.

Epilogue: They move to a sunny, happy, joyful place in the country where they have many adorable, cute, little babies.

==

_Ideas for the next chapter?_


	7. SUPERPOWER HARRY

_I've discovered the great thing about writing a sarcastic fic, is that you get sarcastic reviewers!  You guys are hilarious!_

**Chapter 7, or "Harry Potter and the Insert Something Dramatic Sounding Here"**

Harry is back the Dursley's for the summer. In case we have somehow forgotten, the Author reminds us that they do not, in fact, love him. In canon, this would be evidenced by their being just generally unpleasant and grossly favoring Dudley, but since that is not nearly angsty enough for our teen author, they now starve/beat/torture/abuse/perform ritual sacrifices on/make him wear high heels, and all other manner of cruel and unusual punishment.

Harry thus spends the first chapter of the fic contemplating suicide to release him from this black misery of a life, which is to show us how the author understands deep emotional suffering because her parents once grounded her for two weeks. This is all very tragic and we all feel very sorry for him.

Then one day, Uncle Vernon goes too far, probably by making some generic insulting comment about Harry's mother, and in a flash of repressed magic he obliterates their kitchen, causing much speculation amongst the neighbors.

"Bloody Hell!" Exclaims Harry, in some badly-written-trying-to-sound-British dialog. "I didn't know I could do wandless magic!"

"Yeah, I actually did, I just forgot to tell you." Said Dumbledore, who has appeared out of nowhere.

"Is there anything else I should know Headmaster?"

"Wellllll, now that you mention it actually, there are some other things I should mention....Let's go chat in my office."

They apparate (never mind that 1.) Harry can't apparate and 2.) You can't apparate on Hogwart's grounds) to Dumbledore's office (insert description of Dumbledore's office blatantly plagiarized from the book).

"Have a seat Harry.  Now where did I put that list of _"important secrets I need to tell Harry but will not tell him until I'm forced to because I enjoy watching him fumble around trying to figure things out on his own_."  Ah yes, here it is."  Dumbledore pulls out a piece of parchment six feet long.  "Now let's see.  You figured out the wandless magic one on your own, well done."  He crosses one thing off the list.  "Hm, well, moving on then.  I did not tell you this before because I thought it might be too great a burden for you, but Harry, you are the descendant of Godric Gryffindor!"

Harry gasps.

"And by the by, you are also the descendant of Salazar Slytherin, Merlin, Darth Vader, and Strom Thurmond.  This means you are a very powerful wizard Harry."

"Yeah, the defeating Voldemort five times didn't clue you in to that?"

"The point is Harry, that in order to fulfill your destiny and save the world from becoming a barren wasteland of misery, you must first receive special training in the ancient arts of specialus magicus."

"What's that?"

"Well, it's special magic, that's just the teenage author's way of making it sound latin or something."

"Are you going to teach me?"

"Don be silly Harry!  Why would I, the greatest and most powerful wizard of our age, teach you?  Obviously, this is a perfect opportunity for the author to introduce an OC.  Harry, I'd like you to meet some mysterious woman with a dark mysterious past who has a long exotic foreign name, but we will just call her "Adult Mary Sue."

Unfortunately, adult Mary Sue is very busy with another fic in which she and Snape have snarky arguments laced with sexual tension.  

Despite this, Harry manages to refine his wandless magic, become an animagus (his animagus form in a Phoenix, obviously), learn to apparate even on Hogwart's grounds, perfect his legilimency and occulmency, learn all the unforgiveable curses, become a martial arts expert, pass a college level economics course, etcetera etcetera etcetera etcetera and so on and so on and so on.   Basically, you name it, he can do it. 

When school starts again, Ron and Hermione are so happy to see Harry again, but of course he is too humble to tell them about his astounding new powers.

One day he develops a plan, and goes to Dumbledore's office.  "Sir?  I think I'm going to go defeat Voldemort now, since I'm all powerful, and then fall in love with Ginny.  Sound all right?"

"Oh good."  Agrees Dumbledore.  "I'm getting tired of this fic anyway."

____________

_Next Chapter will be either "really stupid pairing because a prophecy says so" or "Sirius-remus slash with a side of draco-harry".  I haven't decided._


	8. In Which a Prophecy is Made

_This is the "ridiculous pairing because a prophecy says so" fic.  Some people suggested Harry/Ginny, but I decided that pairing wasn't stupid enough, so I made it a Draco/Ginny._

**Chapter 8, in which a Prophecy is Made…….**

Ginny (although these stories always seem to feel the need to call her "Virginia") Weasley was in the Great Hall for the welcoming feast at her sixth year at Hogwart's with her brother Ron and Hermione, and Harry who she had absolutely no non-platonic feelings for.  She felt a cold gaze boring into the back of her head, and she turned to see Draco Malfoy looking their way.  She hated him, because he always made fun of her family for being poor and….well, that was really it, since he wasn't very creative apparently.  But as much as she hated him, she could not help but notice that now in his seventh year he was the epitome of "tall dark and handsome", except that he was blond, but he was still tall and handsome.  Of course, she did not tell anyone this, since Harry and Ron were giving him menacing (and yet very noble) glares.  She just turned back to her meal, but she could still feel his cool, cold, frigid, icy, chilled eyes on her.

While Draco sat at the Slytherin table feeling superior to his mindless sycophant friends, he allowed his gaze to wander around the room.  He spotted Potter and Weasley and passed a few moments sneering at them.  He could not help noticing Weasley's younger sister.  Of course, he hated the Weasley family, because they were muggle-lovers.  He thought they lacked proper wizarding pride….at least, that was what he _thought_ he thought.  But really deep deep deep deep deep _deep_ down inside he was just misguided, and could be redeemed by true love.  He could not help noticing that the Weasley girl had gotten quite pretty over the summer.  She had really "grown up" if you know what I mean (wink wink, nudge nudge).

~~_American cousin perhaps_?~~

After dinner ended and Dumbledore said something deep and meaningful, as they were leaving the hall he said "Miss Weasley, Mr. Malfoy, I need to speak to you for a moment."

Dumbledore looked very grave as they approached him.  "I think you'd both better some to my office."  He said in a very grave and serious and grave voice.  Ginny looked perplexed, while Draco just sneered some more.

Once in Dumbledore's office, they sat as far away from each other as they could.

"I have brought you here to discuss a very grave matter.  There has been……_a prophecy_."

They gasp in unison.

"Yes, a prophecy that will affect both of you greatly."  Dumbledore nodded wisely.  He then swirled his wand in the pensieve on his desk and a shadowy, misty, foggy, vague, ephemeral figure rose out of it.  "This is the famous seer Ima Totalfraud.  She lived in isolation on top of a mountain and fasted for a month and then began seeing visions."  The figure slowly began to speak.  "**_Lo, the fates have spoken that it shall come to pass, that it has been foretold, that it will come to pass, that the red-haired one shall discover her heart's deepest love in the dragon of the slicked-hair.  Forsooth, they shalt be wed, and from their union will come many, many, many, many bad fanfictions._**"

Ginny and Draco were stunned.  "Sir, what does it mean?"  Draco asked.

"_Puh-leeeze_ Draco, try to keep up.  It means you two have to get married.  Duh."  The wise old Headmaster replied.

"But we can't get married!"  Cried Ginny.  "We hate each other."

~~_That's the only problem she sees with the situation_?~~

"Look kids, sorry, but a prophecy is a prophecy."  He shrugged.  "It's been foretold, that's it, so let's start planning the wedding, shall we?  Ginny, I totally see you in Vera Wang…."

Of course, their families were outraged.  

Lucius (and maybe Narcissa if the author remembers Draco has a mother):  "What?!  You can't marry a Weasley!  They're blood-traitors, they're beneath us, and they're POOR!"  (And yet despite the fact that Lucius's political clout has been well documented in canon, he doesn't actually do anything to stop said wedding.)

Weasley Family et al: "What?!  You can't marry Malfoy!  He's a git, and a prat, and those are the only two British sounding insults we know!"

And yet, because it was **foretold**, the dreaded wedding went forward.

~~_Note that Ginny and Draco are sixteen and seventeen respectively.  The author seems to see nothing wrong with this_?~~

Of course, once they're married, they no longer go to school, but live together in some sort of grand, fancy, ornate manor house that is in Draco's family.  They mostly avoided each other, except when they fought, which they did often with very generic insults.  Mostly Draco pointed out the Ginny is poor, and Ginny pointed out that Draco was once turned into a ferret.

~~_Scathing, aren't they_?~~

But all along they are both had many wistful internal monologues along the lines of "I sure do totally hate him/her, but he/she sure is handsome/pretty."  Slowly Ginny learned to admire Draco's cool composure, and he came to admire her "fiery" personality (we are meant to know this because she has red hair.)

Then one night, Draco had a horrible nightmare about his tragic and abused childhood, and Ginny comforted him and told him about her tragic and abused first year of Hogwart's during which she was possessed by Voldemort.  Suddenly, in a nauseatingly described moment of breathlessness, they realized their growing attraction.

In reaction to this, they began acting very awkward around one another and fought even more.  The author is trying to build sexual tension, but it doesn't really work because all the readers just get bored.

Finally, on a dark and stormy night, they gave into their desires and (Insert painfully bad sex scene which uses really bad euphemisms.)  They realized they have been in love all along (Because it was _so much more_ than just sex!) and they say sickening things like "How could I have been so blind my darling angel Sweetie?" and "I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you my little pumpkin pookie-wookie!"

Suddenly, Draco is a changed man!  He renounced his father and his Death Eater ambitions and used his wealth to buy food and medicine for sick orphans or something.  The Weasley's and Harry accepted him and they went back to being one big happy family.

The Author realizes she had actually had a plot at one point, but she has forgotten it, so she takes the easy way out and disgustingly makes them have lots of kids who will go to Hogwart's and unite Gryffindor and Slytherin into one big happy house, while they grow old together.

____________________

_Next Chapter:  Oh yes, here comes the slash!_


	9. Slash!

_I'd like to think the people who read this fic have a healthy sense of humor, but please note this chapter is going to be about slash fics.  If that's going to offend you, don't read.  _

_The sad thing is that many slash fics are quite well written (citygirl looks down, shuffles feet nervously, blushes…yeah, I read them…I read anything that stands still long enough…how else do you think I know about all these bad fics?) _

_The title is courtesy of Relly, who used that exact phrase in a review and made me spray my monitor with diet pepsi.  She didn't leave an e-mail so I couldn't ask if I could quote her word-for-word, but I just couldn't say it better myself._

**Chapter 8 or "Slash as written by 14-yr-old girls who have no clear idea about the male anatomy and absolutely NO clue how two guys might end up shagging"**

The required slash disclaimer:  This is slash, that means romantic relationships between people of the same sex (as if readers could not figure this out from the summary which clearly states that the fic is about a romantic relationship between two men) 

~~_For those of you who think this is racy, you have obviously never accidentally followed a link to "adultfanfiction.com"……uh, not that I have…..I've just heard…from a "friend"…uh, yeah_…~~

After Harry's fourth year, Sirius went to "alert the old crowd" to Voldemort's return, which any good slash writers knows really means "go shag Lupin senseless".  So he went to "lie low at Lupin's for awhile" (If you missed the double entendre there, you are not thinking dirty enough.)  Sirius arrived at Lupin's looking dead sexy despite the fact that he has been living in a cave and eating rats for the past year. They have a very awkward conversation, where the author is not even remotely subtle about making the point that **IT IS AWKWARD BECAUSE THEY USED TO BE LOVERS **and in case you missed the subtle hints **THEY USED TO BE LOVERS**!

They may actually discuss something relevant to the books, like Harry Potter or Lord Voldemort, but this is really just an excuse for them to surreptitiously shoot longing gazes at each other when the other is not looking.

_*****Obligatory Marauder Flashback to sometime in their 5-7th year*****_

_Remus__ was sitting in the common room, reading, because that is what he always does.  He is very angsty, not only because he is a werewolf, but also because he has realized he is gay and has feelings for his best friend.  He is quite sure that Sirius could never return his feelings, despite the repressed sexual tension between them._

_Sirius is also quite angsty, but in a more carefree and ADHD sort of way.__  He has secretly been in love with Remus for a long time, but he knows that his feelings could never be reciprocated because he's quite sure Remus is straight, even though he is always trying to "wrestle" (ahem, coughcough) with him._

_James, of course, is straight because he is going to end up with Lily.  Despite the fact that it is the late 70's, he is totally accepting and even supportive of the fact that his best friends are gay.  There may even be a humorous sub-plot where he and Lily try to get them together.   Homosexuality is totally socially acceptable in the British wizarding world in the late 70's despite the fact that 30 years later in the United States muggle world the Bush Administration is so homophobic they're wasting their time on a marriage amendment instead of worrying about the WAR they're stuck in._

_~~A political agenda?  Me?  Of course not!~~_

_Finally, Remus and Sirius find themselves alone together in the common room one night when they can't sleep because they are so distressed by their hidden emotions.  One of them, usually Remus, finally confesses his love and then turns away dramatically, expecting Sirius to be horrified.  Instead, Sirius confesses his love as well!  _

_~~Readers go "awww"~~_

_They kiss, and all of Hogwart's is totally okay with the whole homosexuality thing._

_*****End obligatory Marauder flashback*****_

Sirius and Remus spend several days acting very awkward, because they are not sure if the other still has the same feelings after all these years, blah blah blah, and much angst ensues.  In order to express their inner angst, Sirius will be moodier than a pregnant woman (which we all forgive because he is _tortured_ and _traumatized_ after Azkaban) and Remus will be totally calm on the outside but any good slash writer know he is secretly _tortured_ and _traumatized_ by being a werewolf.  Finally one night they run into each other in the hallway when Sirius has just come from taking a shower and is wearing only a towel.

_~~All slash stories must, without exception, feature someone dressed only in a towel~~_

So that the towel can conveniently fall.

_~~Young writer giggles and blushes~~_

There is a dramatic climax (ahem…no, I'm not even going to swing at that one, it's too easy) in which they FINALLY can no longer overcome their passionate feelings of desire.  They confess their continuing love for each other.  They snog, and the scene fades out because the author is not really comfortable writing guys shagging because she's not quite sure how it works, but we all know that that's what happens next.

_A few days later_…….

Remus and Sirius have gone from tortured, angsty, barely functioning middle aged guys to the picture of domestic bliss.  They engage in many unfortunate gay stereotype behaviors (i.e. discussing fashion).  

They are engaged in a badly written snogging scene in the kitchen when suddenly…..Harry comes in.

~~_How did he get there?  Why is he not in school?  Doesn't matter_.~~

"Uh, what are you guys doing?"

"Well, er, Remus had something is his eye…and, I was uh…trying to help him get it out…uh….yeah…."

"Why do you need to sit on his lap and grab his ass for that?"

"Harry, did you need something?"

"Oh, uh, well…."  Harry shuffles his feet, bites his nails, wrings his hands, engages in other behaviors that indicate extreme nervousness.  "I just had to talk to someone…I didn't know who else to go to…because…"  He throws himself into a chair weeping dramatically.  "…I'm in love with Draco Malfoy!  Oh woe is me!"

"Is that all?  I thought it was something serious."

"This is serious!"  Harry insists through racking sobs.  "I can't go on living without him!  He's my soul mate!  My other half!  He's the peanut butter to my jelly!"

"Uh, that's a beautiful analogy Harry, but…."

"And I know he can never return my feelings…"  Wails Harry.

"Now, that's not true Harry.  I mean, seriously, have you seen Draco?  He's obviously gay, there are rainbow colored flames shooting off that kid.  Besides Harry, there was a time when I thought Remus could never return my feelings, and now…"

"You mean…wait…you guys…are?"

~~_And Harry is not even slightly uncomfortable with the fact that his Godfather and former teacher are shagging_~~

**Cop-out ending because citygirl has a short attention span and is getting bored with thi**s**:**  Sirius and Remus take a trip to Massachusetts and get married, Harry manages to ensnare the heart of Malfoy, Ron gets together with Dean, Percy gets with Oliver Wood (who's hot and Scottish, the perfect combination…),  Snape gets together with Filch, Dumbledore and Moody hook up, and all the women in the Harry Potter series are just screwed, in the figurative and not literal sense.

_______________

_Next Chapter- Well, an astute reader has pointed out that there has been very little of the fabulous Snape, so the next chapter will be either Snape-Hermione, or "Harry is being abused and has to go live with Snape for the summer and they bond", depending on my mood.  All your suggestions are great, I will get to them, it seems the possibilities for mockery are endless….._


	10. Professor Snape, Are You Trying to Seduc...

_Hello Darlings! Ye Gods, I cannot believe the number of reviews! I was not expecting this fic to fare so well. I was expecting more of a "this girl actually thinks she's funny?" reaction.  Needless to say, I am delighted, though surprised._

_Welcome to the Snape/Hermione fic! I have actually read some good Snape/Hermione fics, but that does not mean I in any way condone educators shagging their underage students (although I did have this one really hot social studies teacher once.......)_

**Chapter 10, or "Professor Snape, Are You Trying to Seduce Me?"**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione are back at Hogwart's for their seventh year (it has to be their seventh year because Hermione is then closer to being of age and it is somehow less offensive that she is going to shag someone old enough to be her father), and are in their first potions class of the year.  Despite the evil shadow of an evil overlord trying to take over the world with evil, their biggest concern is that Snape might be mean to them.

Snape enters and scowls, glares, sneers, and just looks generally unpleasant.

"Weasley, you blinked!  One thousand points from Gryffindor."  He snaps.  "And one thousand points to Slytherin for not blinking Malfoy."

Malfoy blinks.

"What a bastard."  Says Ron.

"Yeah."  Agrees Harry.

"Gawd, he is so _dreamy_."  Replies Hermione.  Then she remembers that she has not yet at this point in the fic told Harry and Ron that she loves Snape.  "I mean, in a really bastard-like kind of way."

She hates lying to her friends about her true feelings, but how can she tell them that despite the fact that Snape has never treated her with anything but contempt and loathing, she feels strangely _drawn_ to him.

She knows that he is a spy for Dumbledore.  In fact, for a spy, a surprising number of people know he is a spy, which brings one to wonder if he is a very good spy?  He is looking very ill because of all the agonizing pain from all the agonizing torture inflicted by Voldemort the previous night, and Hermione is flooded with anguish 

~~_That's a really good angst word- "anguish", I shall make a mental note to use it more_~~

for him.  Nobody else notices.

After class, Hermione stays late to ask Professor Snape a question.

"Sir, even though I am actually quite intelligent, possibly the smartest student in the entire school, I really thinking you should take time out of your being an International Man of Mystery to give me extra help in potions."

"So that we can bond over our mutually tragic childhoods and fall in love?  Hm, how does eight on Thursday work for you?"

They gaze into each other's eyes, and Hermione is drawn into their dark depths of black darkness.  Then in an uncharacteristic melodramatic fit of drama, she runs from the room, weeping.

The next day, Snape comes into the Great Hall looking dead sexy.  Because this is not the canon Snape we all know…..this is….._Snape, Severus Snape, Slytherin sex-god and star of smutty fanfics_. (Damn, that was some fine use of alliteration)

At eight on Thursday, Hermione nervously makes her way down to the dungeon where many simmering cauldrons set an appropriately sexy mood.  She and Snape discuss many complicated potions-related things, and they develop a mutual respect for the other's great intelligence.  At one point Snape "accidentally" "brushes" up against her and feels a "tingle of electricity".

"You know, you're really not a sadistic bastard."  Says Hermione timidly.

"No, I'm just acting out because I was horribly abused in my childhood and then horribly abused at school, and now I'm still being horribly abused by Voldemort."

"Well, since I have to have some tragic sob-story so that we can both have to comfort each other, I was terribly abused as a child and over the summer Voldemort killed my parents."

~~_This is the first readers have heard about the dead parents.  Obviously a tiny detail like that is not something she would share with her best friends or anything_~~

Hermione bursts into tears over her dead parents, and Severus (who used to be "Snape" but now the author has decided we are on first name terms with him) holds her while she cries, whispering comforting things to her in a silky, seductive voice……oh wait no, that's the voice he's going to use later when he's trying to get her into bed….whispering things to her in a comforting voice.

~~_It can only get worse from here people.  Readers with weak stomachs are advised to go watch "The Bachelor"_~~

The next day Hermione sits in the very front of the potions class, where Severus cannot help but notice her long glossy, honey-colored hair…

~~_cough Americancousin cough_~~

Her lovely flawless skin, her chocolate/cinnamon/cocoa/nutmeg colored eyes.

~~_Oddly enough, while Draco's eyes are always temperatures, Hermione's eyes are always food-related_~~

Later that night in the common room, Hermione tells Harry and Ron about her overwhelming, life changing, undying love for Snape.  They have a Very Tense Confrontation (Insert "Very Tense Confrontation" here.)

Hermione runs from the common room to the library.

~~_Do you see what's coming?  Honestly, that library sees so much action it's amazing you don't need reservations_~~

She runs to the library and hides in the "Contrived Plot Devices" section.  Of course, one wonders why she bothers to hide since she is weeping so loudly.  Of course, she is discovered by Snape, who is there picking up _Having an Illicit Affair with Your Underage Student for Dummies_.  

"Hermione, is something wrong?"  He asks a stupidly obvious question.

"I just had a Very Tense Confrontation with Harry and Ron because I told them I loved you."

"Oh Hermione, my love, my darling, my sweet, my angel, my reason-for-living….I….I…I love you too!"

They snog passionately.

Snape pulls away.  "But alas!  There needs to be even more angst in this fic!  So we must deny our love for one another!  You are my student!  I must not give in to my desires!  I must be noble!  I must leave you!  I must speak in a series of exclamations!"

"Oh no Sevvie!  Please don't leave me!"

"My love, I must, for I am cursed by the dark mark and shall not taint your innocence."

He leaves.

Hermione goes back to the common room, where Harry and Ron have forgotten about the Very Tense Confrontation and are now being Very Supportive Friends, who are Very Outraged that Snape has rejected her.

Over the next few days, Hermione weeps a lot, and Gryffindor loses billions of points, because that is how Snape takes out his frustrations.  Finally, Hermione gathers her courage and goes to Snape's private quarters.  He answers the door wearing something wildly inappropriate, like silk boxers, despite the fact that he lives in a school so logic suggests the odds are pretty high his visitor is a student.

**This scene has been deleted in keeping with this fic's rating.  I can assure you in a real Snape/Hermione fic it would be described in nauseating detail with the sort of vocabulary that can only be found in smutty romances.  Suffice to say it is very deep and meaningful and Hermione probably weeps.**

The next day, the students notice a huge difference in Snape's demeanor.  "Malfoy, five thousand points from Slytherin for having a bad hairstyle.  Miss Granger, five billion points to Gryffindor for doing the potions teacher."

We learn that not only in Dumbledore okay with the teacher-student relationship, but he has actually been cheering for it from the beginning, because Hermione is meant to save Snape from the darkness in his own soul or somesuch.

Of course, all is not well for our lovers, because Lucius Malfoy must kidnap Hermione for No Particular Reason.  Being as completely OOC as she is in this fic, Hermione does nothing to help herself but instead is the damsel in distress, waiting for a big strong man to rescue her.  Of course Severus sweeps in and rescues her from Voldemort's clutches and certain death.

Thus, Snape is forced to give up his role as a spy, but despite him being a target of every Death Eater in the world, they still manage to live happily ever after.  Harry and Ron, because they are Very Supportive Friends, will develop a "grudging respect" for him.  Hermione will get a job teaching whatever class she wants because the person currently teaching it will conveniently either die or retire to go look after an ailing relative.  They will have children that Snape will dote on despite the fact that he seems to despise children.

_____________

_Coming Attractions:_

_Next on the chopping block will be a Snape "Harry, I am your faaaaather" fic. I think. Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind if I feel like it._

_And things people have asked about:_

_Crossovers: I actually only read Harry Potter fanfiction. I'm sure I could make-up some LOTR stuff (I did see the movies) or make-up some anime stuff (my one anime experience was watching something after like 6 pints so it's pretty foggy and I don't even remember the name of it, and no, it was not the "mature" anime), but I don't know enough about it to make it funny._

_Truth Or Dare:  I know this is a totally over-used plot device, it has been my policy not to read anything with "truth-or-dare" in the summary.  I have to go back and look at some before I can mock it._


	11. Harry, I am your Father

_There is an endless abyss of misery otherwise known as my job.  I actually got a promotion right before I started writing this fic, and now, in a truly bizarre twist, they seem to expect me to **work**?!  I'm doing lots of really grown-up things like "bringing work home" and "staying late at the office".  So my updates will be slower.  I'm sorry.  Please don't be mad.  I still love you all….sniff sniff…….._

_As far as I can tell from reading them, these fics come in 2 varieties, which are: "Lily-is-a-slut-and-had-an-affair-with-Snape-and-possibly-others" and "Snape-took-polyjuice-potion-and-looked-like-James-and-shagged-Lily-without-her-knowing". I'm going to go with the first, because the second is just too icky. _

**Chapter 11, In Which a Father And Son Are Reunited**

Harry is back at the Dursley's for the summer and instead of being a boring and predictable suburban family, they are pure evil and subject him to regular beatings and starve him and Uncle Vernon (and sometimes Dudley too) discovers his long-repressed fetish for skinny sixteen year old boys and does horrible unmentionable things to him.  There is then one big climactic abuse scene where Uncle Vernon loses his temper and nearly kills poor Harry, and then locks him in a closet.

~~_This is meant to make the readers feel pity for him but it really just makes them feel slightly sick_~~

Harry is very traumatized but also very noble and long-suffering and does not tell anyone about his horrible abuse, just accepts that he is going to die, and instead stares wistfully out the window, or he would, but there is no window in the tiny, dirty, windowless, airless closet they keep him locked in.

"I am far too noble and long-suffering to actually tell anyone that I am being horribly abused, but I sure do wish someone would rescue me."  Says Harry wistfully.  "I just hope I don't get rescued by Snape, because he says very sarcastic things, and obviously I greatly prefer being beaten, starved, raped, and dying slowly and painfully to having someone say mean things."

Although one would think members of the Order would be looking after him, since he is in more danger than ever from Voldemort, and because they said so at the end of Book Five.  Apparently they forgot.

Snape strolls into Number 4 Privet Drive for No Particular Reason.  He sneers at the Dursleys and they all faint promptly because he is intimidating.

He frees Harry from his closet and Harry throws his arms around him, or he would except that he is too weak from all the starvation and weighs only 20 pounds.

"Potter, this is not an HP/SS slash fic!"  He sneers, but he is secretly outraged, and has some deep introspective flashbacks to his own childhood abuse.

"Oh, right, sorry.  I hate you."

"I hate you too, despite the fact that I feel a strange paternal connection to you.  You have to stay with me for the summer."

"You?  Why can't I stay with someone else?  What about Dumbledore?"

"Fanfiction authors seem to think he's having a raging affair with McGonagall."

"Geez, there was a mental picture I didn't need.  Why can't I stay with the Weasleys?  Or the Order?"

"Because then we won't be able to bond and discover our mysterious father-son connection.  Now can we get on with the fic please?"

They go to Snape's big-fancy-evil Manor House of Ancient Evilness.

"Wow, your family was really evil."

"Yes, that's why I'm such a bastard.  I am deeply tortured and traumatized by my evil family who forced me to do horrible things like serve Voldemort and torture fluffy little kittens.  Good thing I had that affair with Lily Evans, Goddess Of All That Is Good And Pure, to bring me back from the dark side."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, I mean…uh…just kidding.  Quick, tell me how tortured and abused you are!"

Harry soulfully pours out his tale of woe- his parents are dead and the Dursleys have horribly abused him and he didn't get a girlfriend until he was 15.  Snape feels a great deal of pity for him, and Harry feels a great deal of pity for Snape.  There is much pity.

~~_Readers are getting tired of all the pity, they think maybe they should go read a Snape/Sirius slash fic_~~

One day, Harry is wandering around Snape's bigfancyevil Manor House of Ancient Evilness, and he comes across….a pensieve.

"Wow, since I have no respect for other's privacy, and it's not like Snape got mad the last time I looked in his pensieve, I think I'll look in it."

_***Flashback To Exactly Nine Months Before Harry Was Born***_

_Lily Evans is home alone feeling neglected by her sickeningly perfect husband who she really really loves even though she has had affairs with all his friends, and possibly Voldemort too.  James is off doing something incredibly noble that involves vanquishing evil.  She is wearing a very sexy negligee._

_~~I know that's what I always wear when I'm alone and pitying myself~~_

_Snape enters._

_"Severus, what are you doing here?"  She gasps._

_"Despite the fact that there is no canon evidence to support it, I have always been completely in love with you to the point of obsession!"_

_"Even though I don't love you, I still might shag you so that my already emotionally screwed up kid can learn about his true parentage when he turns sixteen…..No, but we mustn't!"  She makes a few token protests so we don't think she's a complete slut, but we all know they're going to shag anyway._

_They tear each others' clothes off and have one night of burning passion which is described in many bad metaphors._

_"I'm a changed man!  I'm going to turn good and become a spy for Dumbledore."_

_"Wow."  Lily gives herself a pat on the back.  "Who knew I was so good in bed!"_

_When Harry is born nine months to the day later, it doesn't even occur to Snape that he might be that father.  _

_~~Apparently for being a potions genius and all around smart guy, he has absolutely no understanding of "where babies come from"~~_

_Lily, terrified that someone will discover the real father of her child, puts a charm on him to make him look exactly like James, but it will stop working on the day he turns 16, just because Lily apparently gets her kicks from mucking up her son's already screwed up life._

_***End Flashback***_

Harry is very confused by what he has seen. 

~~_I'm not sure what he's confused about, seems pretty straightforward to me_~~

He and Snape continue to act snarky and yet bond, basically through a long, ongoing game of "Who Had The Most Tragic Childhood?"

Harry's sixteenth birthday comes.  He gets up in the morning, and looks in the mirror, and-

"Bloody Hell!"  He exclaims.  Overnight, he has gone from looking like himself, to looking like Mini-Snape.  His hair has gone greasy and his nose has changed shape entirely, and he is taller and thinner and paler.  He is SHOCKED!

Dumbledore has conveniently arrived to help them figure out this puzzling development. They go to his office because that is where all the "big secrets" are revealed.

"Harry, Professor Snape is..............(long dramatic pause)................... ............... ....................... ....................... .................Your real father!"

"I don't believe you!"  He gasps in outrage.

"It's true Harry."  Says Snape.  "I loved your mother, she was beautiful and perfect and divine…and also, she was easy."

Immediately, the previous five years of absolute hatred are forgotten.

"I love you. Let's hug. Can I call you Daddy now?"

"Of course you can....son!" He ruffles Harry's hair.

~~Readers are sick~~

And on that note, I'm going to have to end this one because I ran out of motivation.

_________________

_For my next trick- One that I'm surprised nobody has mentioned:  The Lily/James love/hate fic._

_I have, as instructed, been trying to read some "truth or dare" fics, and I have to tell you people....It's just too hard. If anyone can recommend a truth or dare fic that isn't  "so bad it makes me want to gouge out my eyes with a ball-point pen rather than continue reading it"  I'd be most appreciative._


	12. LilyJames LoveHate

_Alas, I too was hit with the Sasser worm, which is why I have been longer than usual in updating.  I now have Norton, 2 spyware killing programs, 2 adware killing programs, firewalls like the freaking Pentagon, and I'm still having problems.  Computers.  Why?_

_Enough whining, thanks are in order:_

_-Everyone who reviewed.  You guys rock my socks in a major way._

_-Those who congratulated me on my promotion.  Although I did not get a raise with it, so it's really just more work.  Hm._

_-Wiccan PussyKat, who introduced me to the word "Squick", my new favorite word._

_-The person who sent me an IM last Thursday afternoon telling me they liked the story.  You cheered up a very stressful day.  I apologize for promising an update over the week-end, I would have made good on that if not for the computer problems.  Blame Microsoft (which is also just a good rule for life.)_

_This is the L/J fic.  I have left out the cliché where Lily is a goth/punk/whatever.  There are only so many clichés I can handle per fic.  _

**Chapter 12, or "I Hate You, Let's Snog"**

James Potter is on the Hogwart's Express with his two best friends Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, and that other guy who everyone hates because we all know he's going to betray them like the dirty little rat that he is.  The author projects her own feelings and explains that they all actually hate him which makes it rather unlikely that they trusted him with their lives.

~~_Author ignores this "minor" canon detail without which the whole canon storyline would not exist_~~

"I am so excited that we are going back to Hogwart's for our sixth or seventh year.  I'm so excited to be head boy.  I can't wait until Lily Evans sees my studly new muscles."  James says, flexing.

"You talk about Lily Evans too much.  You should just shag everything in a skirt like me, the Gryffindor sex god."  Says Sirius, but in such an unbelievably sexy and charming way that we don't really care that he's kind of a slut because we love him.  He smiles at a passing girl, who promptly faints.

"Say what you will my friend, but I don't think I'm going to take advice on women from someone who has as many slash fics written about them as you.  Now back to me.  I can't believe Lily Evans doesn't love me.  Especially when I am a sickeningly nice guy all the time _except_ when she is around.  It's odd how I seem to have a split personality."

"That's how the fanfiction authors reconcile the fact that they love you with the fact that the only time we saw you in Book 5 you behaved like a complete asshole."  Says Remus, the smart one.

They all leave their compartment purely for the purpose of running into Lily Evans and her friends.  Said friends have trendy names taken from "The Complete Catalogue of Mary Sue Names".  They shall henceforth be referred to as Mary Sue #1 and Mary Sue #2.  They are perfect and exist purely for the purpose of hooking up with Sirius and Remus.  One of them might be Arabella Figg if the fic is pre-OOtP or if the author doesn't really give a damn about accuracy. 

Lily Evans has gotten a make-over from her American cousin (Gods, I am sick of typing that, can we just assume it is a feature in every single fic ever?), who introduced her to the wonderful world of the push-up bra.  She tosses her lovely, shining, elegant, beautiful, sexy, coppery auburn curls and bats her lovely mesmerizing emerald green eyes.  Don't worry if you missed part of that description, it will be repeated no less than three times in every single chapter.

"I hate you for absolutely no rational reason Potter."

"I love you.  I'm sexy.  Please date me."

"No, I won't date you, and I _definitely_ won't marry you and have your children."

"Damn, I'm going to go torture someone less popular than myself in retaliation."

They go off to find Snape, who sneers and says unpleasant things about mudbloods.  

~~_He acts kind of like canon Draco, except that he's not as sexy and lacks the legions of teenage girls lusting after him_~~

For the next ten chapters, James plays funny pranks on Lily that involve her knickers.

Lily retaliates by turning his hair pink.

~~_These were probably funny back in the early days of fanfiction when the first fanfics were created, but now readers just wonder if all the authors are too lazy to come up with new pranks_~~

There are brief mentions of the minor character subplots, which are as follows: For some reason, although it is the late 70's, all of the other characters engage in typical 2004 teen behavior, so while Lily and James are playing unoriginal pranks, they are listening to Linkin Park on their MP3 players, chatting online, watching American Idol, and of course, shagging like it's going out of style.

Lily and James both date loads of other people and are the most desired people in the school despite the fact that most authors make James act like an arrogant jerk and Lily a bitchy ice queen.  But their underlying sexual tension causes a fight in class and they both get detention (Contrived plot device #248) where for some reason the teacher always leaves them completely alone.

"I love you Evans."

"I hate you, but oh, what's this, I am feeling a moment of weakness in which I will snog you and then get irrationally angry and act like it's all your fault."

They snog, she slaps him, and runs back to her room weeping, to be comforted by the Mary Sues.

But she immediately cheers up when Dumbledore announces there is going to be a Yule Ball (Contrived plot device #316).

~~_Although in canon they only had one Yule Ball in celebration of the Triwizard Tournament, in fanon they have a Yule Ball every year, as well as a Halloween Ball, a Spring Ball, a Costume Ball, a March 2nd Ball, a Tuesday Ball, A Wednesday Ball, etc etc etc._~~

Lily shows up looking dead gorgeous, in dress robes that defy the laws of physics by being at once flowing and yet form fitting.  The Mary Sues look gorgeous.  James looks sexy, Sirius looks sexy, Remus looks sexy.  Pretty much everyone looks sexy except for the Slytherins, who look evil.

Lily is at the ball with the most-popular-guy-in-school-except-for-the-Marauders.  He is probably the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain.  He is definitely not a Hufflepuff because Hufflepuffs are not sexy.

But she realizes that she is secretly longing to be with someone else, and yet has NO idea who that someone might be.  She leaves the ball and goes out onto a terrace to star wistfully at the moon in true bad romance fashion.  Of course, James sees her leave and follows her.  They have a deep, meaningful……conversation (You thought I was going to say something else, huh?).  Lily begins to wonder if she has been wrong about him…..

~~_Reader's think "Thank God, is it over yet?"  Oh no, Dear Readers, not even close_.~~

James makes an impassioned speech:

"Look, we're supposed to have another 15 chapters of angst and fighting, but since we're really the only _actual_ canon couple, aside from Harry's brief fling with Cho in book five, everyone knows we're going to get together, so why don't we just do it now, especially because they parody writer is getting bored and still has to finish an expense report for work tomorrow!"

"James, I think I love you.  Let's date!"  She cries, moved by his impassioned speech.

"About freakin' time.  I mean, I love you too!"

And the rest is canon………..

_______________________________

_Future attractions:  I have not decided what I will do next.  Suggestions are, as always, welcome.  I have gotten a lot of suggestions to do a Fred/George or other Weasley family members smut fic.  All I have to say to that is WHAT KIND OF SICK FANFICTION ARE YOU PEOPLE READING?  I admit that although I consider myself well versed in the ways of bad fic, I have never seen any fics featuring Fred and George in…ummm… those positions (no pun intended)._


	13. Badass Hermione

_This is a (very short) "Hermione is adopted and is actually a pureblood" fic, because:_

_-I can't sleep_

_-I came across a fic (which shall remain nameless) with this general plot, and in the middle of pounding the floor in mirth, I thought "I must parody this!"_

_-So I did._

**Chapter 13, in Which a Young Woman Finds her True Identity**

Hermione had a very busy summer, what with the make-over she'd gotten from her American cousin, but she was really looking forward to her last year at Hogwart's, where she was going to do lots of wholesome things like study and get good grades and not have sex, because she was such a nice, studious girl.

As she had dinner with her muggle (but still very nice and pleasant) parents on the last night before term started, her father said "We're so proud of you Hermione, it's almost like you're our real daughter."

"Huh?"

"Oops, damn.  Well, we might as well tell you now, you're adopted."

"WHAT?!"

"Yes, well, we're not sure who your real parents are, but wouldn't it be funny if they were like, evil dark pureblood wizards or something?"  Her father said.

"Now don't be silly Honey."  Her mother replied.  "Just because she came to us wrapped in that "I love Voldemort" baby blanket and her first words were "Die die all filthy mudbloods die" doesn't mean anything.  That could just be a coincidence."

Hermione was angry and outraged that her parents had kept this secret from her for all these years, so she storms out of her house to return to school without saying good-bye, thus providing for lots of angst later when they are inevitably killed by Voldemort, because Hermione's parents seem to exist just to be killed by Voldemort for angst purposes.

_Has anyone else noticed this?  In any fic where Hermione's parents are mentioned, they inevitably cop it_

Harry and Ron try to be sympathetic, in an amusing and bumbling way for comic relief, which is how we learn that neither of them is her love interest in this fic, but Hermione pushes away her true friends because she is so confused.

When they get to Hogwart's, Hermione does what she does best- Goes to the library, determined to find out who her true parents are.  Luckily, she finds a book called _Pureblood Evil Death Eaters Who are Also Hermione Granger's Real Parents_.  She is appalled and horrified to discover that her real parents are actually Bellatrix Lestrange and Her Husband Whose Name Nobody Remembers/Previously Unmentioned and Even More Evil Death Eaters Who The Author Makes Up/Voldemort.

_There are also fics where her parents are one or both of the Malfoys and she is Draco's half-sister/sister/long-lost twin, but (hopefully) not in the same fics where she is Draco's love interest, although sometimes the whole "you're not supposed to shag your family members" thing just completely slips the mind of the fanfic author_

"Well, " Says Hermione logically.  "Since my parents are evil purebloods, I guess I'd better become a total badass and dye my hair black and wear too much eyeliner.  Oh, and I want to switch to Slytherin."

Despite the fact that you can't switch houses, Hermione does.

She no longer likes to study or read, because she's too cool for school, so she starts smoking, drinking, doing drugs, and participating in nightly Slytherin orgies.

She becomes best friends with Pansy Parkinson and they have many good times tormenting mudbloods, which Hermione has completely forgotten that she used to be.

One day Dumbledore calls her to his office for a Very Important Talk.

"Hermione, I can't help noticing some changes in you this year."

"What do you mean Sir?" 

"Well, like at dinner tonight when you tried to Avada Kedavra me?  Or the way you keep trying to kill Harry?  Or that "I wanna be a Death Eater" t-shirt you're wearing, well, I just can't help but wonder if there's something wrong.  Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"

"Of course not Sir."

"Oh good, I believe you completely, I was just making sure.  You can go back to writing "Die Mudbloods Die" and "My Blood is Purer Than Yours Ha Ha" on the walls in blood now."

"Thanks Sir."

Now, instead of being torn between her love for Harry or Ron or Oliver Wood, she is torn between her love for Draco or Boy!Blaise Zabini or Lucius Malfoy.

_Do I even need to point out to all of you the sickness that is Hermione/Lucius fics?_

Despite her confusing love life, Hermione still has time to study lots of Dark Magic right under the noses the combined Hogwart's faculty, so that when she graduates, she makes her Mummy and Daddy (her real pureblood Mummy and Daddy, not those adopted ones who Voldemort knocked off anyway) so proud by killing lots of mudbloods at graduation.  She becomes Voldemort's most trusted Death Eater, and eventually kills Harry and Ron and probably the rest of the Weasleys and Oliver Wood for good measure.

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_I have actually tried, hard, to read some truth or dare fics.  I am kind of halfheartedly working on one, the problem being they're so funny when they're serious that the serious ones are actually funny enough to be parodies in themselves, if that make sense.  Anyway, if I get one finished and it turns out funny, it will be next, otherwise, I'll come up with something else._


	14. Truth or Dare?

_Wow, first of all thanks, all of your reviews, even as I've left you hanging with no updates!  I am so flattered/delighted/giddy!  I apologize for the lack of updates, but work caught up with me.  Also thanks to everyone who inquired as to my well-being.  It's nice to know someone besides my parents would notice if I died._

_This is the long-promised truth or dare fic.  I'll be honest, I don't love it.  Normally I try not to overdo the author notes, but there was so little substance to work with I kind of had to.  This is definitely not my favorite chapter, but it is a fanfic evil that must be addressed._****

**Chapter 14, Which, in a Moment of _Blazing Creativity_, was Named "Truth or Dare", or Maybe if the Author is Having a Moment of _Deep Inspiration_ "Truth or Dare HP Style"**

Harry and Ron and Hermione are sitting around the Gryffindor Common room, and all the teachers, including Filch, are gone doing something that involves fighting Voldemort to get them out of the way.

_(Truth or Dare fic cliché number 1- No Adult Supervision.  Check.)_

"I'm board." Said Ron.

_(Truth or Dare fic cliché number 2- Author cannot spell "bored".  Check.)_

"I know, let's play truth or dare."  Says Hermione.

"What's that?"

"It's a muggle game where you (insert explanation for all those who were never 13-year-old girls, which, since the majority of HP fanfiction writers are women, is no one)."

"Okay, that sounds fun."

_(Okay, serious question here:  Do the Authors of these fics actually have conversations that are this unnatural and inane, or are they just bad at writing dialogue?)_

"Hey, I know, let's ask Ginny, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Lavender, Parvati, Fred, George, Lee, Angelina, Alicia, Katie, Oliver, Colin, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, Cho, Padma, Cedric, some Hufflepuffs whose names the author can't remember, and James and Lily Potter, Sirius, and Remus who are conveniently here due to a freak timeturner/potions accident to play with us."

(_Truth or Dare fic cliché number 3- Everyone in the Harry Potter universe plays despite the fact that they are evil/graduated/dead.  Check.)_

Coincidentally, someone happens to have an enchanted bottle that keeps anyone from lying.

(_I know I always carry one in my pocket for just such an occasion_.)

So Hermione, since it was her idea, goes first, and the bottle lands on Ginny!

"Okay Ginny, truth or dare?"

"Ummm, truth."

"Okay, who in this room do you have a crush on?"

(_Truth or Dare fic cliché number 4- use of the word "crush" and not in the sense of "this fic is so bad I want to crush my own skull in."  Check.)_

"Umm, Harry."  She blushes, because clearly this is new information to everyone despite the fact that she couldn't speak in his presence for 3 years.

"Really?"  Harry is a boy, Harry is dense.

"Uh yeah."

"So wanna go out with me?"

"Okay."

And they snog despite the room full of people.

(_See, you guys think I'm kidding, but this is really what these fics are like!  Scary question:  Does the author really think this a legitimate way to begin a relationship, or worse yet, is the author writing from personal experience?  The mind boggles._)

So Ginny spins the bottle and it lands on Fred.

"Fred, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

(_Obvious one_.)

"I dare you to doorbell ditch Professor Snape three times in a row."

Fred goes down to Snape rooms, knocks loudly on the door, and runs away three times.  Snape is really mad.

(_Yes, I remember that Snape is gone fighting Voldemort, please stop trying to find logic, you're wasting your time._)

Fred takes his turn and it lands on Goyle.

"Okay, um, I don't know your first name, but truth or dare?"

"Uh, truth."

"Who in this room is your crush?"

(_Creativity: Not a strong point_.)

"Uh, Crabbe."

"Really?"

"Yeah Dude."

They snog.

(_Truth or Dare fic cliché number 5- Long-repressed homosexuality is realized as a result of the probing question "who do you have a crush on?"  Check.)_

 He takes his turn and it lands on Draco.

"Draco, truth or dare?"

"Dare."  Draco sneers.

"I dare you to kiss Hermione!"

"No way!"

"You have to, you picked dare!"

So with that absolutely airtight argument, Draco goes and kisses Hermione quickly, and they are so overcome with passion at that one small kiss that they proceed to snog enthusiastically for five minutes while everyone else talks amongst themselves.

(_Truth or Dare fic Cliché number 6- Draco/Hermione.  Check_.)

He spins the bottle and it lands on James, whose presence does not seem strange to anyone there.

"Truth or Dare?"

"Truth."

"Okay, um, how far have you gone?"

"Well, I think the fact that Harry exists kind of answers that question…"

Okay, I'm done, this is just too stupid for me to go on.  Suffice to say:  Ron and Parvati/Lavender get together, Sirus and lots of unidentified females get together, Citygirl and Oliver Wood get together (_Truth or Dare fic Cliché number 7- shameless author self-insertion.  Check._), and everybody gets drunk and wild. 

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--------------

_I feel dirty after writing that.  Next there will be either a badass Ginny inspired by a "so bad it made me giggle intermittently over several hours" fic that I was sent for inspiration (thanks, by the way, that was true genius), or an AU fic.  Oh, and you will all be glad to know that I am no longer uninitiated to Weasley "twincest".  I actually stumbled across a "Fred-George-Lee" threesome while looking for Truth or Dare fics._

_I need help for the badass Ginny though.  It's been awhile since I was a teenager, and I was never cool, so I need to know what bands the "cool" teenagers are listening to._


	15. When Good Witches Go Bad

_The GRE class strikes again, but not my favorite chapter (I think "badass Hermione" still wins)._

_It's not so much that Badass Ginny is overdone, but that it's so badly done when it is done. This is based on a fic that an alert reader sent me (in an e-mail, not a review, so don't go looking for it). I would tell you the name of it, but that's against my "not being a complete bitch" policy (also, against my "not getting kicked off " policy).  _

_My problem with these fics is that they are rarely related at all to Harry Potter._

_Thank you all for your input on "cool" music. I've just thrown together the most popular suggestions so please do not send me e-mails saying "Someone who listens to (insert band here) would never listen to (insert band here) you huge loser!" Also, for the love of God, would someone who owns a CD by Evanescence PLEASE go and look and see how it is actually spelled because every single person who suggested it (and that's quite a few of you) spelled it differently._

**Chapter 15, or "A Plot Lifted From Bad Teen Movies and The Author's Fantasy, Using The _Names_ of Harry Potter Characters"**

Ginevra stepped onto platform 9 3/4 amid catcalls and whistles from all the boys. She was wearing ultra-low-rise (the kind that show off your knickers) hip hugger jeans so tight they might have been painted on, and a strappy, low cut tank top cropped to show off her new belly-button ring and backless to show off her new tattoo. She was wearing loads of make-up, including heavy black eye-liner and bright red lipstick. She had really changed over the summer, and by "changed" I mean "got a boob job". She was perfectly skinny and tanned and had "filled out in all the right places". She had the most amazing body ever. In the whole world. Ever.

(_At this point, readers are not sure if that author wants to look like Ginny, or wants to shag her. Or both.)_

Forget about learning magic or fighting Voldemort, this year Ginny had decided she was going to make boys notice her. And she wanted to be called Ginevra too, because it sounded more fuckable (_am I even allowed to say that in a PG-13 fic?_) than "Ginny".

"Wow Ginny!"  Exclaimed Hermione.  "You look so hot even I might shag you!"

"It's Ginevra bitch!"  She replies, to show Hermione that she's got a whole new attitude.  "Thanks Mione, you look so sexy too!"

Hermione was wearing a short leather skirt and halter top, also had "filled out" (_wink wink_), and her hair was sleek and shiny, like a shampoo commercial.

"Thanks! I got a makeover from my American cousins, and along with my new wardrobe I apparently got a new personality, because now I'm only interested in clothes, boys and music. Hey, let's pointlessly talk about music so the teen author can list all the bands she likes so we realize how incredibly hip and cool she is!"

"Okay, Hey Hermione, what CD's from 2004 even though it's the mid-nineties are you bringing to our school where there is no electricity and CD players don't work?"

So Ginny and Hermione looked through all their CD's in the author's desperate attempt to impress us with her coolness.

"Wow, Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, Evanesence, Avril Lavigne, The Rasmus, Simple Plan, AFI, Nirvana, Blink182, 50 Cent, Eminem....Wow Ginevra, you (_read: the author_) have SUCH great taste in music."

Now that the author feels she has established her coolness to her poser friends who will actually read this fic, Harry and Draco come in, wearing incredibly cool punk clothes that still manage to show off their rippling, rock-hard muscles.   At least, two guys named Harry and Draco who bear no resemblance, personality-wise, to canon Harry and Draco. Ron is not there because he doesn't want to shag Ginny, and in this fic there is no room for anyone who doesn't want to shag Ginny.

"Hi Hermione and Ginny."  Harry says.  "Since Ginny is badass and has to fall for a "bad boy", I actually play no part in this fic, I'm just here so the author can call it a Harry Potter fic when in reality the only Harry Potter-related thing about it is our names."

"Well hello there you sexy thing...." Draco drawls. (_Citygirl__ pauses to consider the implausibility of Draco saying this as well as the implausibility of any female actually finding it flattering._) "What's your name? You must be new."

"Too bad you used to be mean to me, because it's me, Ginny Weasley and now I'm not going to sleep with you."

(_Readers: "What?!__ No sex?!"  Many readers leave_.)

Harry and Draco leave and the author channels her inner-squealy-fangirl into Ginny.

"OMG, like Draco is such a total hottie and I am so totally in love with him and OMG I totally want to make out with him and for him to be my boyfriend and stuff."

They get to school and have the feast, but the author skips over it because it's boring until Dumbledore makes a shocking announcement.

"We have decided this year to do away with uniforms! In fact, we are going to have absolutely no dress code whatsoever. Hell, you can all walk around naked for all I care, which Miss Weasley and Miss Granger have already got a pretty good start on."

They are all delighted to hear this because they have all brought their sluttiest clothes just in case. As they are leaving the great hall, Draco comes up to Ginny.

"You look so hot this year Ginevra, I'm going to totally forget that I used to hate you and look down on your family."

"Oh good, because you're such a hottie I'm going to forget that you're evil and you've always treated me like dirt and your Dad tried to kill me in my first year."

They discover that they have the same taste in music, and of course, that is more important than past murder attempts.  Ginevra and Draco start dating, and the entire rest of the fic consists of them snogging, going to clubs, drinking, listening to cool music, and snogging some more.  At no point is Harry Potter, Hogwarts, or magic mentioned.  However, entire pages are spent on what Ginny is wearing.

======

_I realized I have never done a Harry/Draco, a "Dear Diary", or a body switching fic.  Look for these in the future, but no promises on when, I really do need to study for my GRE._


	16. Beware the Slash!

_You thought I was dead, huh? I'm hanging my head in shame because I haven't updated in so long. It's work. But tonight I didn't feeling like going out, so I had a glass of wine, or many glasses of wine, and wrote a Harry/Draco slash parody. I should add that I had to go read some Harry/Draco slash because if I ever read slash it's Sirius/Remus. I found several gems and this is a combination of those, and one of the authors added that she is "bad at summerys" (I am so not making that up, that's how she spelled it!)_

**Chapter 16, or "What a Coincidence, I'm Gay Too!" **

Starring Harry, Draco, and Draco's Hair

On September 1st of his sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Harry Potter woke up with a surprising realization.

"Hey!" exclaimed Harry. "I think I'm gay!" He thought about it for a moment. "Yep, I like boys."

Then he remembered that he was supposed to be overwhelmed with teenage angst. Just in case the readers have forgotten, his family hated him, and so he spent the entire summer locked in his room secretly mourning for Sirius. Oh yeah, and working out, so he was really hot and built now. Oh yeah, and he got all his clothes from The Gap and FCUK now. Really tight clothes, to show off all the muscles. But mostly he was just brooding and depressed.

And many miles away from Harry in a Very Very Evil house (or maybe not that evil and just really abused and misunderstood, the poor little dear), Draco Malfoy also woke up for his first day of sixth year with a surprising realization.

"Hey!" exclaimed Draco. "I think I'm gay!" He thought about it for a moment. "Yep, I like boys."

He wasn't the least bit surprised or worried by this realization, because the Malfoys really seem like the kind of family who would be totally accepting of homosexuality _(snort)._ Draco had spent the summer being abused, because fangirls want him to have a reason to be a bastard, but he had also worked out too. And he had really great blond hair. It wasn't slicked back anymore and it was kind of long but in a really sexy and not effeminate way. It was really shiny, he must use a really expensive shampoo or something.

And then, amazingly, the scene changes to Platform 9 3/4, where everyone is arriving to get on the train to school. Harry is very happy to see Ron and Hermione, who are dating now and he doesn't even notice that Hermione has had her hair straightened and has "developed" because he only has eyes for one person. One person with lovely golden shining hair that shone like gold. Yes, he's always secretly loved Draco Malfoy even though he only realized he was gay that morning. But he wasn't ready to tell Ron and Hermione about being gay yet. Besides, they were too busy snogging for him to get a word in.

"It's really great to see you Harry, but Hermione and I are going to go into another train compartment and snog/shag so we can leave you alone to do some soulful brooding" said Ron.

"Okay," agreed Harry, as Draco arrived.

_Oh, there's Potter_, thought Draco in italics, _I totally hate him, but wow does he look hot! Whoa, did I just think Potter was hot? What's wrong with me, and why am I boring the reader with this appallingly stupid internal monologue_?

Coincidentally, he gets on the train and happens onto the same compartment where Harry was gazing out the window and being attractively depressed.

"Oh, it's you Potter."

Harry looks up from his soulful brooding. "Leave me alone Malfoy."

But he can't help thinking how hot Draco looks with his golden blond hair that shone like the palest golden sunlight. _Wow, he looks really hot this year_, thought Harry. _He must have been working out, or maybe he's a veela. I can't believe I've been in love with him since first year and I never realized it_. _That's how the author will explain the fact that Draco and I hate each other in canon._

Draco is secretly heartbroken, but he sneers at Harry and leaves, tossing his elegant pale hair.

The next day when classes began, Draco and Harry oddly enough now had every class together, despite the fact that they're in different houses. While they were at breakfast, Harry could not help turning around and looking at Draco, and every time he did he found Draco looking at him as well.

"Why does that git Malfoy keep looking over here?" asked Ron, who was taking a brief break from snogging Hermione.

"He's not a git!" exclaimed Harry irrationally, and then realized Ron and Hermione were staring at him. "I mean, maybe he's just misunderstood. Besides, he's really hot..." Then he remembers they don't know he's gay yet. Luckily, they started snogging again so they didn't hear him.

_Wow, why am I sticking up for Malfoy_, Harry wonders as they go to potions. In potions, he is conveniently paired with Draco and even though they spend the lesson insulting each other, their conversations are laced with sexual tension.

Finally, no longer able to handle it, they lunge at each other. Of course, Snape thinks they're fighting and pulls them apart, giving them both detention.

Later that evening, Harry arrives for detention to find Snape coincidentally absent. Harry is waiting, in the romantic light of simmering cauldrons, when he hears "Hello Potter" in a low seductive voice. He turned to see Draco standing in the doorway, his lovely platinum hair shining in the light from the torches.

"Hello Draco, I've been waiting for you" replies Harry, in a low, seductive voice, wondering why they are suddenly talking like a bad porn movie.

"Well, since no one else is here, I feel like I should tell you Potter." Draco brushes back his lovely silver hair. "I love you! Oh yeah, and I'm gay."

"Oh Draco, I've waited so long to hear you say those words. Since, like, yesterday morning!" gasps Harry, running his hands through Draco's shining, shimmering hair that shone like something I can't think of because I've run out of precious metals.

"Oh my Darling, let us go and find a conveniently placed broom closet!"

Although they try to keep their love a secret, their friends realize that they are not nearly as brooding and tortured now that they're getting action, and finally Ron and Hermione emerge from snogging long enough to have a deep talk with Harry where they are completely accepting of his lifestyle choices despite the fact that they have hated Malfoy and he has treated them horribly for six years.

Then, one day, Harry pulls Draco aside as they are going to class.

"Drakkie-poo, I have to tell you something." He says nervously. "Because the teenage writer does not seem to know the basic rules of anatomy and biology….I'm pregnant!"

_And that, my friends, is another parody…._


End file.
